You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Everyone says I win the strip club
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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