Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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