I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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