My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
