Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
