My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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