i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
