I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
