i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
