dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
