you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
