it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
