the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
