I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
