Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
