I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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