We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
