Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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