Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
