i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
