tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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