I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
