Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
