when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
