The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
