Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
