he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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