my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
