Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
