It's like God shit irony all over that family
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
