I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
