ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
