sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
