apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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