just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You can't just leave with hair like that
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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