So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
