I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
