You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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