Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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