I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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