He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
