The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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