I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
