Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
