I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
