Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
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i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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