I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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