The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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