Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
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Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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