I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
