I bet he comes in French.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
