I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You need a sexual gate keeper
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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