He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
