I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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