i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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