dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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