glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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